At least three frustrating and depressing things have happened in the last 18 hours, things that have disrupted plans, quashed hopes, shattered confidence. I want to do nothing more than take comfort in one of these responses:
(1) Sink into maudlin black gloom convinced that the universe is against me.
(2) Rationalize. There must be a reason for all this. It will all work out for the best.
But neither one is working.
(1) is impossible as
- (a) Everyone I love is living and healthy
- (b) I am living and healthy enough
- (c) Though I'm disappointed with my progress in life, I'm employed/fed/housed/educated.
Because of all these stabilizing advantages, it's impossible to despair/whine without knowing I'm losing all perspective, without forgetting how much better off I am than so many others, without, in other words, heaping truckloads of guilt onto the mountain of negativity.
(2) is impossible as
- (a) Nothing happens for a reason.
- (b) Things don't work out on their own, and certainly not for the best.
- (c) Fate doesn't give gifts. Whatever I want I have to fight for.
Bad luck is nothing more than an impediment in the fight. What doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger; it makes you older. It makes you number, less sure of yourself, more sure that failure and disaster are gravitational forces that you must constantly combat or else sink into the filthy black of (1).
Of course a select few are made of helium. The other trick is remembering that you're not and won't ever be.
Must have been before they let you into a top lit Ph.D.
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